Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?

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I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.


I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…


Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.


Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.


10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.


Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?


I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.


Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago


Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.


<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife