@NeilHamburger

Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?

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@Tmoney68

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

@jordan_stratton

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

@clindsaysway

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

@Gorrdano

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.

@theshantilly

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

@Marlebean

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

@MadHatterMommy

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

@ronradu

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

@caseytduncan

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife