Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]

“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”

Help!

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

Her: Undress me with your words…

Me: I saw a spider in your bra.

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.

Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this

Her: What, really?

Me: It’s fairer

Her: But I didn’t have wine

Me: You had dessert though

Her: I am 6 years old

Me: Get your money out

My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”

This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.

This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.