Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
You Might Also Like
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”