@NeilHamburger

Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?

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@AndrewChamings

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

@TheTweetOfGod

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

@InternetHippo

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

@audipenny

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

@NoorShamma

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

@KalvinMacleod

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

@thatguysingh

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

@NewDadNotes

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.