@Tmoney68 I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
@NeilHamburger Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
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@Tmoney68 
@jordan_stratton I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
@clindsaysway Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
@Gorrdano Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
@theshantilly 10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
@Marlebean Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
@Lisa_Laughs_ I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
@MadHatterMommy Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
@ronradu Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
@caseytduncan <– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife