Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
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children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.