Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
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I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?