Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
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Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.