Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
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Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Just me?
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
🌱🌱🌱
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
🤣🤣
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.