“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
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My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.