graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
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I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.