Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.

oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*