Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
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Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
this is the news I live for
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*