Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
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Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
😂 amazing answer
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.