Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
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My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.