Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
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[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe