Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
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Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.