Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

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in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality


The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.


Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.


No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.


Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.


Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’


*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.


You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!


if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall


Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.