Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

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Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.


You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.


“What sins have you committed?”
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*


RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild


You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.


Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]


FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building


My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie