@mommeh_dearest Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
@gneicco Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
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@mommeh_dearest 
@illuminatedwndr just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
@envydatropic You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
@noog “What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
@RandiLawson Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
@jordan_stratton RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
@tchrquotes You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
@hollyglolightly Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
@sarousti FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
@MiddleageM My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie