Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
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Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I’m not stressed
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.