Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
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just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
“What sins have you committed?”
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”
[The glare was EPIC]
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie