@gneicco

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

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@mommeh_dearest

Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.

@envydatropic

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

@noog

“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*

@jordan_stratton

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

@tchrquotes

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

@hollyglolightly

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

@sarousti

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

@MiddleageM

My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie