Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
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Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…