Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
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The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I already tried new things thanks.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*