great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
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‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Livid.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!