great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
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Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
#merica
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.