“Great, now I have to pee.”
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It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle