Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
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[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.