Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
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INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*