Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
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All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
concern
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.