Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
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SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done