Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
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The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic