Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
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Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
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a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth