Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
You Might Also Like
A dad and his duck
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab