Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
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If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.