Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
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If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub