[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
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No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Going to church you guys need anything
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*