Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
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*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.