Greeting humans vs their dogs
You Might Also Like
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Weirdos gonna weird.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”