Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
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Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Catering service
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms