Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
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Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
How can I say no to this ?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head