Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
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Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista