“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
You Might Also Like
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right