Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
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Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Truth
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.