Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
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My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
water it, i dare you
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.