*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
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My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer