Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
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I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.