grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
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Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight