Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
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Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.