Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
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* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Self-cleaning conscience
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?