Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
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meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
This is so me 😂😂
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
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