groan^2
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“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Fidel Castro was alive?
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.