grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
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My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
School be like
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.