Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
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*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys