grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
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[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay