[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
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Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode