Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.

what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor

The darkness in me is making me sneeze.

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”

If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]