Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
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[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Lmaoo 😂
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT