[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
You Might Also Like
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.